I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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