Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
