Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
