I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
