3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
