Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
