i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the condom got lost in my hair
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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