what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
