Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
