Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize