"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
