Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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