The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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