Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
