I am puke
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
