I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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