I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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