thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
