i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
