the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I supernannyed him into submission
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
