There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
