Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Is Oprah even human
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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