SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
