I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
