I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
