Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
