well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
