He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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