Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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