see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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