i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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