i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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