I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
