We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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