Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
