I can't watch pbs sober anymore
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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