Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
