Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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