it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
