If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So many bounce houses so little time
this must be what syphilis tastes like
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
