I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
