like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
