so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
