Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
