I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
