I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
