dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
