Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
