vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Randomize
