Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
