and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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