the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
