i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
