I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
