The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
