Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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