at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
